If I can make just one person smile,
Then all that I've done has been worthwhile.
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I will go that extra mile,
To give you a service with a smile.
There's something to cheer each day of the Year,
An anagram, pun, or a rhyme to hear.
Also some wordplay and quaint curios,
You'll find something new that nobody knows.
My aim is to please, entertain and tease,
What comes naturally with relative ease.
It's also about, for me helping you,
Ads for your business, or socially too.
So if you're in need for something inspired, do please get in touch I need to be hired!
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THIS WEBSITE IS MY 'BABY'
My website now is growing,
It's in the foetal stage.
It's just my way of showing,
One day I'll come of age!
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Don't judge a book by its cover or indeed a face, it is the talent to behold from within that is most important. Ben Turpin one of my 'silent' film heroes may look like I sometimes feel but we both share a common goal-to be entertaining!
ABOUT ME
My Bio
Creative writing has always been a passion of mine, and having the opportunity to now turn my hobby into a fulfilling career means so much to me.
I have been doing humorous writing/wordplay, anagrams, puns and rhymes for as long as I can remember and will continue to do so as long as my memory and years are 'kind' to me!
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My writing and play on words has been inspired and influenced by people such as Benny Hill, Pam Ayres, Tommy Cooper, Morecambe & Wise, The Two Ronnies (particularly Ronnie Barker-for those of you who have never experienced their quality check out the Hardware Store/Four Candles sketch on youtube!), *Laurel & Hardy (particularly Stan Laurel), *Groucho Marx, Abbott & Costello (check out examples like, Who's on First Base? have you got two tens for a five? and 13 x 7 = 28 sketches on youtube), also Leslie Nielsen spoof parodies: The Naked Gun Trilogy, Police Squad TV Series, Airplane, Spy Hard, to name but a few. Also on my sporting wordplay/anagrams, more recently by talksport radio's Paul Hawksby and Andy Jacobs.
Finally, my humour owes a lot to the "Graffiti" series of paperback books written by Nigel Rees which were printed back in the 1970s and 1980s, also a big thank you to the guys at violentveg.com for their humourous greetings cards, books, and online blogs for their inspirational ideas.
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My first experience of any personal achievement and recognition with my writing came way back in 1991 when I was doing a Supervisor's course where I worked at a local factory. We all had to do a five-minute speech on "what we would like to be doing in five years time." It was to be in front of everyone on the course and it was filmed and played back to us afterward. Being quite nervous I decided to make it funny and rhyming and it made everyone laugh and at the end there was a vote on the winning presentation and I won a little prize!
Wow, did that feel good!
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I have the ability to see things in words and names and make up anagrams that are usually quite funny and even sometimes end up with an anagram that matches the job or character of an individual! For example the Formula 1 racing driver JENSON BUTTON becomes JUST ON BONNET! (as in the bonnet of a car). Another great but sad and poignant one, the legendary footballer GEORGE BEST becomes GO GET BEERS!
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What started me off on these many years ago was one anagram I saw in the Private Eye magazine for a famous footballer which was rather quite rude-I won't go into details here but is listed in the sporting anagrams section.
All of mine are original, as far as I know they have never been used.
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When my sister and I lived together we used to always have subtitles/text on screen whenever we watched anything as being profoundly deaf she needed them. Well, you wouldn't begin to believe how many typo/grammatical and downright outrageously funny mistakes we picked up on while viewing. Eventually, I began to jot some down and have over time collated several sides of A4 paper full of them, mostly sporting ones as I love my sport. A lovely example of one: "the Cuban boxers have been working out in the gin" It should have been the gym but I guess they could be described as being punch drunk! Another great one: "Manchester United manager Alex Ferguson may have to give babies to two players due to injuries (should have been debuts not babies!"),
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I am also currently helping with some ideas and contributions with a few quips/rhymes and sayings that a friend of mine is trying to get published in book form.
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I have also published some material for The Eastbourne Voice newspaper, for the local community volunteering services.
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Away from my writing, I volunteer as a Community Messenger for SCDA-Let's Get Working Charity in Eastbourne, for people with a mental health or physical disability. I attend and contribute to regular Community Messenger meetings to help shape and develop LGW for future clients. This includes giving feedback on new training courses, assisting with the creation of a newsletter and attending events to promote the programme.
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Over time I have been improving my writing techniques and developing a unique and innovative literary style. Read on to learn more about my work and feel free to contact me. I’d love to hear from you.
2001 A FACE ODD DITTY
Published on davidbowie.com official fan website in 2017
I have managed to write a David Bowie tribute, space-themed story entitled 2001 A Face Odd Ditty (a play on words of his great hit Space Oddity-the 'Face' relates to an important twist in the story and the fact that he always had a different face/style), featuring all of David's main albums (with a few additional relevant song titles) in order of release from his first major one Space Oditty to his final one Blackstar, all rhyming, scanning and telling a story!
It took me eventually 15 years to finally complete it! I originally thought I had a finished story/draft after the 'Hours' cd was released in 1999 but I was never quite happy and I had been tweaking things for years to eventually arrive at getting it finished to my satisfaction when realising I could extend the story to include his latest and final piece of work Black Star.
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I am so sad that I never had the chance to meet my hero, I had originally intended to present this to him somehow but was never completely happy with the earlier drafts and also never having the time to finish it off until recently. I am sure he would have found it a real laugh and would have enjoyed it so much.
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I have presented it on davidbowie.com the official fan website and my ultimate aim is to get it out to his family, friends and band members to enjoy.
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I also have an ongoing David Bowie project which has also been presented on davidbowie.com, 146 anagrams of Bowie music-album/song titles and band members names. Many of which turned out to be science fiction or other weird and off worldly things! Very appropriate I think for what David did in much of his work.
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Here is my tribute:-
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2001 A FACE ODD DITTY by John Racher
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As I travel alone on this SPACE ODDITY,
Reaching far out on my quest for humanity.
Through the vast darkness of space, I am hurled,
Escaping from THE MAN WHO SOLD THE WORLD.
From Sirius right through to Alpha Centauri,
To a place I hope that will be HUNKY DORY.
I wave to ZIGGY STARDUST AND THE SPIDERS FROM MARS,
Dream of LOVING THE ALIEN at Milky Way bars.
The walls all have memories, I have pictures for PIN UPS,
With Twiggy right beside me, "come on son, keep your chin up."
I look in the mirror put on a new face in vain,
But now sadly all I've become is A LAD INSANE.
I look to the Heavens, reach out for the Gods,
I see the sparkle of the Star DIAMOND DOGS.
Its shine draws me in, homing in on it beckons,
Like lights on Broadway of the YOUNG AMERICANS.
Am I being watched by some alien nation,
By some kind of probe from Space STATION TO STATION?
I just hope they don't have a nuke,
Pointed right at this THIN WHITE DUKE.
Closing in now I can feel the strong glow,
Half of me's excited, other half LOW.
What will I find there? no life would mean ZEROES,
Finding something, I'd be one of life's HEROES.
Maybe discover some forgotten age,
About to return, to take centre STAGE.
Then a strange message came through, I paused and said "Roger,"
I was no longer alone and soon had a LODGER.
Within the walls, I could hear screams and shrieks,
Noises of SCARY MONSTERS AND SUPER CREEPS.
I thought they came for war at first glance,
But in fact, all they said was, LET'S DANCE!
They said we could party all through the night,
Drink outside in the SERIOUS MOONLIGHT.
They were very friendly and ever so polite,
They're giving me a tour of their planet TONIGHT.
They said their base is all safe and sound,
In a LABYRINTH deep UNDERGROUND.
My ship then landed fuses were blown,
I hope they will NEVER LET ME DOWN.
They looked humanoid with their skin shiny green,
Behind them their spaceship a huge TIN MACHINE.
I was quite impressed by the things it could do,
Then out came another one, TIN MACHINE 2.
Suddenly a voice then said, "we've never heard of yer!"
Had an accent like THE BUDDHA OF SUBURBIA.
I knelt down at their leader he said, "please rise,"
He pulled hard on my BLACK TIE, I screamed WHITE NOISE.
I wanted to run find somewhere to hide,
As his skin shed from inside to OUTSIDE.
His face was distorted the change so unnerving,
"You cannot escape from yourself stupid EARTHLING!"
I couldn't believe it both faces were 'ours,'
I then woke up, had been dreaming for HOURS!
...................................................................
That night so long ago had me almost believing,
It was like meeting the Gods, not bad for a HEATHEN.
It felt so surreal, I feared for my sanity,
Is there a chance it could all be REALITY?
I then heard strange sounds, weird things came my way,
They lasted all night until THE NEXT DAY
The alien was real, it came from afar,
Some light-years away from a dying BLACKSTAR!
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(I have used the meaning of Blackstar in this case to put over the point that when a star/sun eventually dies there is no more light, so the star goes 'black' hence darkness and forward the thought that the alien was leaving a dying world searching for a better one for intentions that could really be anything!).
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DAVID BOWIE ANAGRAMS
David Bowie related anagrams, posted on davidbowie.com official fansite in 2017.
Currently standing at 146, most of them are my own and a few (where stated) were contributed by other members of the site.
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BOWIE ANAGRAMS: SONG TITLES/ALBUMS/BAND MEMBERS PAST & PRESENT AND OTHER ASSOCIATED WORDPLAY.
LATEST UPDATED LIST at 13/12/17
A very big thank you to all my fellow Bowienetters for their valuable contributions which have helped compile it.
Some BOWIE anagrams/play on words from his album titles and individual songs for you to enjoy. (some interesting ones with Gods/space themes and spiritual/otherworldly things!). There are some titles that may well be impossible to make something from but only time will tell. If anyone can make any others please free to join in and do so. As I find any more I will post them on here.
I now have reached the 146 mark!
I think you will find them all most amusing and enjoyable. As there have been so many it is most likely that a lot of them might not have been noticed by everyone so it will give you a chance to catch up.
Please feel free to continue to submit your own ones, you may even have different anagrams to those already listed. You can if you wish submit partial word/anagrams to a title as I have done on just a few where it is not always possible to use all the letters. You can even use abbreviations, things like N.B. (as in please note). You may be pleasantly surprised at what you can come up with! I will keep on plugging on anyway regardless.
This is something that I often do in my spare time to keep my brain active, not just on Bowie but I also have hundreds of various famous name anagrams and wordplay, mostly in the world of sport but other areas as well (I have even managed to make some anagrams that fit/match and describe the person's profession!). Geat fun and have been playing with this sort of thing for years, it is what I enjoy doing and for me brings some welcome relief from the bad things happening around us which we must not ignore but we do need our fun time.
So this is it so far......
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REALITY = TRY A LIE (rather interesting, think they both rather complement each other)
DIAMOND DOGS = GODS DID MOAN
SPACE ODDITY = POD, IT DECAYS (possibly like in Invasion of the Bodysnatchers lol!) or COP IS A TEDDY (which I suppose is interesting as the cops are often referred to as driving Panda cars so two types of bear, Teddy bear, and Panda bear!)
PIN UPS = IN, PUPS! (something I guess David could say to get those mischievous younger Diamond Dogs in from the garden)
LOW = OWL (yes easy and obvious I know but still had to list it, besides there is one in the Labyrinth film albeit computer generated!) OWL was also the sacred animal of the goddess Athena, who gave her name to another song: PALLAS ATHENA (thank you for the goddess info Littlegirlblue)
HEROES = HE ROSE (as in he rose up to the sky?!)
HOURS = HORUS (as in Horus who was born to the goddess Isis)
TONIGHT = TIN GOTH (sort of a cross between Tin Machine/Gothic music!)
STARMAN = MANTRAS
STAR = RATS or ARTS
STAGE = GATES (gateways/stargates to the stars maybe?)
TIME = MITE (as in a very small amount, of course we always complain there are not enough hours or time in the day to do things!)
....and now one for those of you who don't have any belief in something (it is a world of opinions after all!)
GOLDEN YEARS = A GODLY SNEER
The following have been added since I first posted this:-
AFTER ALL (from The Man Who Sold The World) = REAL FLAT(possibly relating to the flat Earth theory, is the Earth flat AFTER ALL?!)
LIFE ON MARS = FILM, A SNORE (rather appropriate as the line in the song says 'film is a saddening bore!')
ART DECADE = CREATED 'AD (like a creative advert, well with art you do create something)
TIN MACHINE = MET IN CHINA
I CAN'T READ = RANCID TEA (YUK!)
NEVER GET OLD = EVER OLD GENT
UNDER THE GOD = THE UNDERDOG
LET'S DANCE = TED'S CLEAN or SET CANDLE
EARTHLING = THIN LARGE
RED MONEY = MORE YEN (a slight cheat on this one as I cannot fit in the letter D)
CAN YOU HEAR ME = HUMAN EAR (again not all letters used, E,C,O & Y but how about that for a related meaning!)
MIRACLE GOODNIGHT = HOT GRIM GOD IN LACE! (ha ha, one of my favourites at the moment)
WAR (from Earthling) = RAW
DRIVE-IN SATURDAY = IT ARRIVED SUNDAY (nice to get one with two different days of the week)
LADY STARDUST = LUSTY STAR DAD (haha, I am sure David himself would have loved this one) or STUDY LAD'S RAT
ALL THE MADMEN = HELL, MAD, MENTAL (interesting!)
LADY GRINNING SOUL = GRILLING ON SUNDAY (surprisingly only took me a few minutes to get this one done)
WAR (from Earthling) = RAW
SOME ARE (Low bonus track) = A SORE ME
HUNKY DORY = HONKY RUDY
FILL YOUR HEART = REALLY FIT HOUR
FIVE YEARS = I VERY SAFE (the interesting opposite meaning of the song)
CHANGES = G.C.S.E. NAH! (sums my school days up perfectly, hopeless at exams)
GLASS SPIDER = GIRLS PASSED (another education anagram-see CHANGES, mind you coming from Never Let Me Down-well the girls certainly didn't in this instance!)
SHINING STAR = HISSING RANT or SNARING THIS (you might do this to catch/trap a Glass Spider/or The Spiders from Mars!)
2 rather clever ones for you to think very deeply on. Rather quite proud of these, they looked almost impossible at first but 2 of my favs at this moment in time.
QUICKSAND = NICK SQUAD (sounds like some law enforcement group from Orwell's 1984 or if you like could be the more modern updated version from Donald Trump!)
KOOKS = OK. K.O.'s (with a 'fighting theme' and of course in the song itself David sings the line 'cause I'm not much cop at punching other people's dads')
AFTER TODAY (from Young Americans outtake sessions) = A FAT RED TOY! (I will let your minds make of that what you will, lol.)
.......and now for one that you could say, well let's say is just a little bit 'CHEEKY'
BEAT OF YOUR DRUM = O' YOUR BUM FARTED!!!!!! Also: BOY, MURDER A TOFU
I think one of my favourite ones now (I know just a slight cheat with the O' but there is no 'H' so couldn't do the proper OH so that just had to do and it sounds just as good lol.
OMIKRON = I'M RON OK? (didn't know that Omikron is a PC game tribute dedicated to Bowie, thank you StarPig for the info)
FUTURE LEGEND = FUELED URGENT or TURF NEED GLUE (I guess the Diamond Dogs have been digging up the garden!)
SWEET THING = HE'S WETTING or TEETH SWING (I guess too many sweet things and your teeth may well be loose and swing!)
CANDIDATE = AND I ACTED or DATED CAIN
YOUNG AMERICANS = ANGRY, MANIC U.S. (U.S as in the USA, afraid couldn't use the E and O but this is very topical and appropriate right now!)
BOMBERS (Hunky Dory bonus track) = ROB'S M.B.E.
for this next one, so far have 2 different anagrams,
MOSS GARDEN (from Heroes) = SOME GANDER and would you believe.....ORGASM ENDS!
IT'S NO GAME (from Scary Monsters) = IT'S A GNOME!
SENSE OF DOUBT = BUS OFTEN DOES.....(run late I guess!) or BOND FUSES TOE
MODERN LOVE = DEMON LOVER
CHINA GIRL = AIL GRINCH
SHAKE IT = HIT SAKE (as in 'hit' the bottle with some Japanese sake, I suppose with a little bit of a shake of the glass!)
CAT PEOPLE = TOPPLE ACE or PEOPLE ACT
LET'S DANCE = SET CANDLE
LOVING THE ALIEN = EVIL THING, ALONE
BLACK TIE WHITE NOISE = I BET HONKIES CITE LAW! (how about that, bearing in mind BTWT was about the L.A. racial riots).
SEVEN = EVENS (I feel a little at ODDS with myself over this one!)
ONE SHOT = HOT ONES
Next a few David Robert Jones oldies:-
SELL ME A COAT = LOCATE MEALS
WE ARE HUNGRY MEN = RAW ENEMY HUNGER
LOVE SONG = GLOVES ON
SILLY BOY BLUE = BULLY YOB LIES
COLUMBINE = LO' NICE BUM!
SHE'S GOT MEDALS = THE GLASS DOMES
Next 2 live albums:-
DAVID LIVE = DEVIL DIVA or AVID DEVIL
SANTA MONICA = O' MANIC SATAN
I'M DERANGED = DEAD MINGER (oh, yuk!), you can also have, DIRE DANGER, DARING DEER, ED DREAMING
HEATHEN = HEAT HEN (could this be a new way to put 'all your eggs in one basket.' Cook them all at once!)
WE PRICK YOU = CROW PIE, YUK! (yes yuk indeed the very thought of that, luckily I'm a veggie!)
How about this!
ZIGGY STARDUST = ZIGGY'S DUST RAT (VEHICLES USED BY SOME GAMERS IN WARGAMING) or DUSTY TZAR'S GIG (as in dirty Russian ruler's rock concert)
WIDTH OF A CIRCLE = CAR FOILED WITCH (well if she won't burn you can always run her over!)
Quite clever this next one:-
THE SUPERMEN = PUREST HE-MEN (He-Man is the principal character of a series of comic books and several animated television series, characterized by his superhuman strength so why not more than one of him? so Supermen/superhuman!).
FASCINATION = AS IF I CANNOT
PORT OF AMSTERDAM = DAMP AFTER STORM (without one of the 'O's)
SPEED OF LIFE = LIES, PEED OFF!
IT'S GONNA BE ME (from Young Americans sessions) = BINGES ON MEAT or EATING BONES! (minus the 'M'). I guess 2 anagrams for all the cannibals out there!
FANTASTIC VOYAGE = GOAT FACES VANITY
RED SAILS = LAD RISES
MOVE ON = NO MOVE (The opposite!)
YASSASSIN = A SASSY SIN!
RICOCHET = I CROCHET
FASHION = ON A FISH
The next three are from Labyrinth:-
SARAH = A RASH
UNDERGROUND = RED ROUND GUN/DO DRUG RUNNER
HOME AT LAST = HA, TOM'S LATE!
ZEROES = SEE ROZ (as in, To fail to recognize and/or understand a joke, particularly when everyone else around you gets it!)
TOO DIZZY = DITZY ZOO (Ditzy as in dumb, like a dumb blonde)
NEVER LET ME DOWN = WE MEN NEVER TOLD
Other members contributions:-
SLOW BURN = BLOWS RUN
BLACKSTAR = BLACK ARTS (thank you for that Littlegirlblue, BLACK RATS (thank you amybowie, well in Life on Mars he did sing: "to the girl with the mousy hair!")
ALADDIN SANE = SANE ALADDIN (A normal and down to earth eastern style album, by ShortFuse thank you!)
NEVER LET ME DOWN = MELTDOWN VENEER
1984 = 8419- 9148-8914
Outside = Dies Out
The Stars Are Out Tonight = This Together Astronaut
Lady Grinning Soul = A Silly Running God
Station To Station = Satanist Into TooT or Toto!
Aladdin Sane = Alien And Sad
THE LAUGHING GNOME = HUGE HANGING MOTEL (well done Iguani for this clever one, I am sure it's somewhere the Laughing Gnome would stay after being put on the train to Eastbourne!)
GIRL LOVES ME = SILVER GOLEM (thank you for that mia33), also EVIL Mrs. LEGO (from me!)
SENSE OF DOUBT = BOND SEES TOFU (thank you again mia33)...sees Tofu maybe with a Sense of Doubt, perhaps the Tofu has been poisoned by a spy!
Sue Or In A Season Of Crime = So Fear Is Music On One Ear- or i use a freemason's coin (thanks again for both mia33)
Black Tie White Noise = Leo Is Back Tweetin' "Hi" (from mia33)
Miracle Goodnight = dig a cool REM thing(from mia33)
WORD ON A WING = WARN GOD I WON (by SavageSonOfTheTVTube)
HERMIONE FARTHINGALE = HI, FEEL MORE THAN A RING (by SavageSonOfTheTVTube)
I fear that may well be the anagrams done unless anyone out there can come up with any more. I have had a quick look through all the main albums and it's difficult to progress easily from here as there are so many long complicated words to deal with! However, you can still maybe come up with the odd word from a title that might relate to the song in some way without using all the letters...who knows, watch this space.
Just thought I would add some band members/names of people associated with David for extra fun:
GAIL ANN DORSEY = RODNEY LANE IS GOD (imagine how Rodney Lane might feel if he knew he could also be known as Gail Ann Dorsey-instant fame or a few curious looks maybe lol)
MIKE GARSON = NO RISK GAME
BRIAN ENO = ONE BRAIN
TREVOR BOLDER = BORDER REVOLT
EARL SLICK = SLICKER L.A. (as in Los Angeles) or CLEAR SILK
Now a couple for the brothers from Tin Machine:-
HUNT SALES = HALE'S NUTS
TONY SALES = LOSE NASTY or LAYS STONE
MICK RONSON = MINK CROONS or MINOR'S CONK
CARMINE ROJAS = IN MAJOR RACES
CARLOS ALOMAR = SOLO CAR ALARM
From the 1978 world tour, Stage + Lodger albums (piano) SEAN MAYES = EASES MANY or EASY NAMES
From 1975-1980, drummer DENNIS DAVIS = DIVAS SINNED
From the 1974 Tower Philadelphia world tour, (drums) TONY NEWMAN = MANY NOT NEW
A great one this: From Bowie's early career (bass guitar) HERBIE FLOWERS = HER BOWELS FIRE or HERE BLOWS FIRE !!!! A shame Herbie didn't play a 'WIND' instrument!
GERRY LEONARD = REAR END GLORY
RICK WAKEMAN = A WICKER MAN (unfortunately I wasn't able to use one of the letter 'K's) haha, there is also a rather rude anagram which I will not be printing!
HERMIONE FARTHINGALE = Hi, I'm one fat larger hen. Also: Ha! I'm Lee, farting on her!
Cheers folks
John
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'GAME' FOR A LAUGH!
Football 'shorts,'Â Football 'strip 'teasers' and other cheeky chortle, saucy sports shorts
Some quirky anagrams of mostly footballers-the 'shorts' and football teams-the 'strip teasers.' It has not always been possible to use every letter and sometimes the odd abbreviation is used and I have noted here when this has happened.
These are just a few for starters, I will be constantly adding to the lists as I have so many of them!
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All of them are my own proud creations, except for just one, the Mother of them all and the one that started me off doing these. To that, I am most grateful to the person who printed it in Private Eye magazine all those years ago and it is would you believe (apologies but quite a rude one!):-
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DAVID GINOLA = VAGINA DILDO!
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On that note, as a matter of interest with the saucy sporting ones here are a few more:-
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RAY STUBBS (sporting TV/radio presenter) = BUSTY BRAS!
LEWIS HAMILTON = HOT MAN WILLIES
NICK PRICE = NICE PRICK
SERGIO RAMOS = ROMA'S ORGIES! (definitely some Spanish/Italian thing going on here!
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Before I start on the main football lists here are a few other sports shorts, not so rude!:-
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NIGEL MANSELL = SMELLING NEIL
(out of interest you can also make the words SINGLE LANE and GAIN MILES, quite appropriate for a racing driver)
MARK WEBBER = MR WEB, BRAKE!
(another racing driver one)
JENSON BUTTON = JUST ON BONNET (my favourite car racing one!)
To finish for now on the racing driver theme, from ALAIN PROST you can make the words LAPS, PITS, SPIN!
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From talking cars leads nicely on to:-
TOM DALEY = DELAY M.O.T!
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On the two wheeled theme:-
VICTORIA PENDLETON = TO VICTOR , LEND PAIN
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Now the footy 'shorts'
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GEORGE BEST = GO GET BEERS (a rather sad and poignant one)
DAVE BEASANT = NET, A BAD SAVE (he was a goalkeeper!)
FRANCIS LEE = REF IS CLEAN (Franny Lee once famously 'deliberately' dived to get a penalty)
ERIC CANTONA = A RICE CANTON (remember the kung fu kick when he famously launched himself into the crowd at a spectator at Crystal Palace)
RUEL FOX = 'X' (as in X rated tackle) FOULER
DEAN RICHARDS (sadly taken from us much too young) = SHIN A RED CARD
BRAD FRIEDEL = NET, A BAD SAVE (he was a goalkeeper!)
FRANCO BARESI = BAN A REF, I SCOR' (yes I know there is no 'E' but still good!)
LIONEL MESSI = LONE MISSILE (have you ever seen some of his wonderful free kicks!)
LUIS SUAREZ = A ZULU RISES
ALESSANDRO DEL PIERO = SODA, DEEP ROLL ,SARNIE
PIONE SISTO, (a Danish footballer from South Sudan) = I ONE TO PISS/IS PENIS TOO! (two different ones but connected)
PAUL MERSON = SLOP MANURE
DAVID SEAMAN = NAIVE SADDAM
DIDIER DROGBA = DIRE RABID DOG
RODNEY MARSH = HORNY DREAMS
MICKY HAZARD = CRAZY MADE KID
TIM SHERWOOD = TIM, DO SHOWER
PAUL STEWART = PETULA'S WART
ANDY GRAY = RANDY, GAY or ANGRY DAY
EDGAR DAVIDS = DR. DID SAVAGE
LEE YOUNG PYO = YOU PONGY EEL
LOUIS SAHA = I HAS A SOUL
GARETH BALE = LEATHER BAG
TERRY VENABLES = ENTERS BRAVELY
ROBIN VAN PERSIE = BI, ARSENE, PORN, V.I.P....crikey and he played under Arsene Wenger!
MICK LYONS = SLIMY CONK
STAN COLLYMORE = LE COOL MR NASTY (a French hitman maybe?) and also NASTY CELL ROOM (somewhere to lock up the hitman!)
LEE HUGHES = HUGE HEELS
DIEGO COSTA = CAT GOODIES
BEN DAVIES = IS EVEN BAD
ROBERTO SOLDADO = SO REAL ODD ROBOT
HARRY KANE = ERR, A HANKY
OSSIE ARDILES = IS SOILED ARSE
DANNY ROSE = RANDY ONES
ERIC DIER = ICE RIDER
RYAN MASON = RAY'S NO MAN
DE ANDRE YEDLIN = REDDEN YID LANE (blimey mixture of Arsenal/Spurs)
STUART PEARCE = PAST CREATURE/TEA CUP STARER
TONY ADAMS = A NASTY MOD
PETER OSGOOD = DEPORT A GOOSE
MARTIN KEOWN = 'NITE WORKMAN
IAN RUSH = IN A RUSH
ERIC GATES = GREAT ICES
MAICON (Brazilian footballer) = I'M A CON
PETER REID = DEER TRIPE
ROBBIE SAVAGE = OR GAVE BABIES
STEVE STONE = TEENS VOTES
STEVE CLARIDGE = EVIL, GET SCARED
SIMON DAVIES = AVOIDS MINES
SERGEI REBROV = GROVE BERRIES
DAVID HOWELLS = WAVED HIS DOLL
RAMON VEGA = GRAVE MOAN
MARTIN PETERS = STERN PRIMATE
BARRY DAINES = RAISED BRAINY
ALFIE CONN = ONCE, FINAL
STEVE ARCHIBALD = I, THE BRAVEST CLAD
STEPHEN CARR = STERNER CHAP
IAN WALKER = I RAKE LAWN
ALF RAMSEY = FLEAS ARMY/SMEAR A FLY (two types of insect thingy!)
PETER TAYLOR = REAP LOTTERY
RALPH COATES = A LAST PORSCHE
IAN MOORES = RAISE MOON/MAORI NOSE
PAUL WALSH = ALL WASH UP
RAY EVANS = ANY SAVER
ANDY REID = DIN' READY
TEEMU TAINIO = MINE, I EAT OUT (obviously goes to eat with Andy Reid!)
MARTIN JOL = NOT JAIL MR.
DEAN MARNEY = DREAMY ANNE
NICO CLAESEN = SO NICE CLEAN
MICHAEL DAWSON = HE IS A MAD CLOWN
ROBBIE KEANE = A RIBENA BE O.K.
HEUNG MIN SON = I'M NO SNUG HEN (remember the Tottenham cockerel)
RADEK CERNY = RACY RED KEN
SCOTT PARKER = ROCKET PARTS
CHARLIE ADAM = A MAD CHARLIE
LEON BEST = ONE'S BELT
GAEL CLICHY = CHILLY CAGE
TIM FLOWERS = FILM TOWERS
CLINT DEMPSEY = PLENTY MEDICS
SERGIO REGUILON, using all of the letters (apart from the 'U + one E'), you can make: GIRL ON ORGIES!
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Now a few 'strip teasers'
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A.F.C. WIMBLEDON = FIND A WOMBLE (without the letter C, so the Wombles of Wimbledon!)
LEEDS UNITED = ENLISTED DUE (Leeds' song is Marching altogether!)
ABERDEEN = BEEN A RED (They play in Red!)
BARNET = BANTER (Which you get from fans of different teams) or RAN BET
EVERTON, GOODISON PARK = KRAP, IS NO GOOD, NOT EVER! (I know should be crap but even so quite impressive I must say!)
ARSENAL, EMIRATES STADIUM = ARSENAL'S TEAM IS A TURD (minus one E, I and M)
MAN CITY, ETIHAD STADIUM = MAN UTD, EASY MATCH! (minus a few letters but very clever how about that!)
MAN UNITED, OLD TRAFFORD = (only a few letters used but you can make the words Maine Road from this, which used to be City's old ground...weird hey!?)
TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR, no anagram yet but rather interestingly many years ago the logo/sponser name on the shirt was HOLSTEN...which spells LOST HEN-the Cockerel being the club's emblem...ooh err!)
MIDDLESBROUGH = SOD BURGLED HIM
SOUTHAMPTON = SHOUT, TAMPON!(hmm, well they play in red)
NEWPORT = WET PORN
BRIGHTON = RIB (as in to tease) THONG.
HARTLEPOOL = RAT POO HELL
ROTHERHAM UNITED = A MOTHER HEN TURD (minus the 'I')
TRANMERE ROVERS = AM TERROR NERVES
CRYSTAL PALACE = AT SCARY PLACE (without using one 'L')
PRESTON NORTH END = PROD HORNET NEST (without using one 'N')
TORQUAY UNITED = YOUR QUAINT TED
YEOVIL TOWN = OWN EVIL TOY
WESTHAM = WET MASH
ARSENAL = AS RENAL/RAN SALE
PORT VALE = LOVER PAT
BOURNEMOUTH = HE OUTRUN MOB
LEICESTER CITY = ICY TESTICLES (without one 'E' and 'R')
MAN CITY = TINY MAC
MAN UNITED = DINE AT N.U.M. (National Union of Miners) or MAN UNTIED
WEST BROM = TOM BREWS/STORE B.M.W.
NEWCASTLE = STALE N.E (as in northeast) W.C. (as in toilet!) or WASN'T UNCLE TIED?
READING = I GANDER
ALDERSHOT = SHORT LEAD
HALIFAX TOWN = FINAL HOT WAX
NORWICH = WON RICH
BARNSLEY = BE SNARLY
BOLTON WANDERERS = DEL, BROWN NOSE RAT
SHREWSBURY TOWN = SHOWERY BURST
BLACKPOOL = BOLLOCK P.A. (Personal Secretary)
A.C.MILAN = CAN MAIL (do they get fan mail?) or ANIMAL (without the 'C')
INTER MILAN = IN TERMINAL/TIN MINERAL
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Now general rhymes etc from the sporting arena:-
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Serena Williams Tennis star once stated that she ate dog food so I wrote this dedicated to her:-
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Serena Williams she ate dog food, so what?
Still, it does make you wonder she did Winalot!
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"CAN WE HAVE A REFEREE?"
There cannot be a ref so cleaner,
Than Pierre Luigi Collina.
Surely one of the best to be found,
That shiny head with his eyes so round!"
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SO NEAR YET SO V.A.R.
Now football is run by unseen folks,
Who are the butt of many jokes.
As all that they've done to raise the 'bar,'
Is to confuse us all with V.A.R.
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THE NEWEST TRENDS IN WEARABLE TECHNOLOGY
January 20, 2023
HOME APPS YOU HAVE TO DOWNLOAD
January 20, 2023
EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT FIBER OPTICS
January 20, 2023
THE NEWEST TRENDS IN WEARABLE TECHNOLOGY
January 20, 2023
RHYME TIME, FUN PUNS, QUICK QUIPS, AND SOME ABSURDITY WORD ODDITIES.
There are some funnies about politics/politicians on here, with no particular personal stance/leanings to any one party on the subject itself. In fact, I am not keen on the whole subject of politics at all because of all the rubbish and bad nonsense that is churned out by politicians in general. so these are just here to bring some light relief. If I see something funny I will write it!
I call these: POLITICALLY, JOLLY TICKLY.
Donald Trump is a Rebel Rebel
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My little tribute to the dear fellow to the tune of Bowie's song Rebel Rebel!
(I did this after he became President).
Please feel to hum or sing along.
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Rebel Rebel, you've made your address
Rebel Rebel, your hair is a mess
Rebel Rebel, comb-over and blow
Not Trump, I hope you go!
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By the way out of interest: an anagram of Donald Trump = AN OLD TURD (not using the letters P & M, I guess these could stand for President Man!)
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WALLS HAVE FEARS:
My sexy, flexi Mexican,
Has no boundaries, or no walls.
Unlike some bum American,
Who talks a load of balls!
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....and on the subject of politicians/politics,
THERESA MAY
Theresa May come, Theresa May go
But one thing's for sure, Resigning is slow.
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Anagrams of THERESA MAY:-
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EAT MY ARSE (minus the 'H')
HEAT MY ARSE
HE MAY STARE
STEAMY HARE
EASY HAREM (minus the 'T')
SHARE MY TEA
EAT MY HARES
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BORIS JOHNSON ANAGRAM:
IS NO JOB SON (minus the H, R).
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JOE BIDEN:
From his name you can make the words,
NOB, END, JOB/I.D. (vaccine passport maybe!).
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MICHAEL GOVE:
From his name you can make the words,
EVIL, GRIM, VILE.
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GRR..EXIT!
Let's be perfectly clear
There's never a doubt,
We all voted to leave
So out should mean out.
To linger it out, delay it and 'flex' it,
The people they voted, Brexit means exit!
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NIGEL FARAGE-LET'S 'SHAKE' HANDS ON A DEAL OR THROW IN A MEAL?
Someone threw a milkshake at Nigel Farage,
I don't know if it was regular or large.
Now if that was served with a burger and fries,
And two lovely eggs placed right over his eyes!
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Interestingly an anagram of Nigel Farage = An egg, a rifle.
He once quoted (apparently some suggest it was misquoted/taken out of context): He 'would pick up a rifle if Brexit was not delivered'
I guess that could then be reinterpreted as Breggs hit...which might then lead to some egg chucking.....mmm!
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Now, I'd much rather have in charge
Abbott and Costello,
Than be left with Diane Abbott
And that Corbyn fellow.
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FOOD FOR THOUGHT:
With your food in the U.K.
You are served with serviettes,
A while ago in Russia you were served by Soviets!
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IT NEVER RENNES BUT IT POURS
If the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain,
Does the rain in Rennes fall mainly on Le Penn!?
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HUAWEI MAY BE THE WAY?
So who are they at Huawei?
To upset Trump in every way.
With Internet technology,
A real threat of security?
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2p OR NOT TOO PEE!
Do you have to pay to pee in Taipei,
And how do you poo in Honolulu?
So to do what comes so naturally,
It should be in comfort, if not for free!
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PATTER KILLER (a play on words with Caterpillar and patter can be humour).
In times of stress, the lows and highs,
It's good to have some butterflies.
But so much worse to deal with loss,
When finding out they're really moths!
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IT'S TIME, FOR 'WHO?'
I'm just like The old Timelords of Gallifrey,
When my time is all done I'll be on my way.
To another place and to another time,
A different face, in someone else's rhyme.
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MY ART ATTACK:
I find that some art for me,
In fact difficult to 'see'
I do easily distract
When I'm looking at abstract!
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Supercalifragilistic,
When I sing I go ballistic,
That's the truth, I'm realistic!
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GLOVE AT FIRST SIGHT
Marigold, she did marry old,
Her childhood sweetheart Harry Gold.
A glove that never once went cold,
They shared one each, or so we're told!
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MY 'MINI' BREAKDOWN
I once drew a face on my mini car engine,
I had it for quite a few years.
But it kept breaking down on its way into town,
And so now it's got engine ears!
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CHOCCIE CHUCKLE
I thought that chocolate coloured chinos,
Were just coffee, cappuccinos!
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THE NEWEST TRENDS IN WEARABLE TECHNOLOGY
January 20, 2023
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CHEEKY CHUCKLES AND RISQUE RHYMES,
NEAR THE KNUCKLE FOR MODERN TIMES
These are not meant to intend to offend,
But ways to raise more than a worthwhile smile:-
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IT COMES TO US ALL EVENTUALLY:
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When I was young I was tough and ruthless,
Now I've grown old I am rough and toothless.
Then I could raise much more than a smile,
Now all I raise it's just not worthwhile!
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BE PROUD-NOT TOO LOUD
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An Englishmen's home is indeed his castle,
Just don't be rude or an arrogant a...hole!
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POLITICAL 'UPRISING' IN CHINA
Down China way when they have an election,
They go and vote for the biggest erection!
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RADIO 5, SOME LIVE 'JIVE'
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A couple of great contributions from myself while listening to Radio 5 live discussions:-
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The first subject was a question asked about why there has never been a black prime minister, I sent a text reply in to say, "yes that's true but we have had a Brown one, Gordon Brown!"
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The second subject involved a studio guest, the football referee Graham Poll.
They were actually discussing the dance programme Strictly Come Dancing.
Again I texted in saying that if Mr. Poll took part would he be Poll (pole) dancing!
That actually got read out on air and raised a big chuckle in the studio.
Made me feel great too!
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007-OH OH, HEAVEN!
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I have to confess my eyes used to undress,
With a tender caress, Ursula Andress!
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NOT THE TIME FOR A 'CLAP'
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Whether bi, straight or queer,
You should fear Gonorrhea!
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A cunning linguist is a truly great tongue twist!
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Do not ever mistake an old Armadillo
For something to play with, a toy Armoured dildo!
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HUMOUR BELOW THE BELT
This one is dedicated to Tarzan, King of the apes who never wore much in the way of clothing.
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Tarzan swings through the trees
With the greatest of ease
And just above his knees
Blows a genital breeze!
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GREAT SCOTT!
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Don't ever laugh at that man in a kilt,
For he might just be hiding some THING so well built!
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TESTY ICICLES
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A snowman is built,
A snowman then falls.
But if it's a man,
Then where's his snowballs?
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HOW COME?/PLEASE GIVE GENEROUSLY, IF YOU CAN!
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So, 10cc they got their name,
From a unit of measure.
For what the average man could give,
For a moments pleasure!
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CURRENTLY NOT SHOCKING?
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At one time AC/DC were one of the greatest bands,
These days it stands for something else,
For 'alternating hands!'
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SECTION TITLE-ANIMAL 'CRACKERS' AND SOME 'NATURALLY' INSPIRED CRAFTY ONES:
WHALE 'WAILS'
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​THERE'S NOTHING AS BAD AS THE MEN WHEN THEY SAIL,
WHO GO OUT TO HUNT DOWN THAT LOVELY BIG WHALE.
I HOPE THEY WILL FAIL WITH THE CRIME THEY ARE PLOTTING,
AND END UP IN JAIL WITH THEIR CARCASSES ROTTING!
ONE BILL YOU MUST NOT IGNORE
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​THERE'S NOTHING AS LARGE AS THE BILL OF A PELICAN,
IT CAN HOLD QUITE A LOT, MUCH MORE THAN ITS BELLY CAN!
RHINO DIE, NO!
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​THE OLDEST RHINO IN THE WORLD LIVED TO FIFTY SEVEN,
NOW HE'S GONE AND JOINED THE OTHERS,
UP IN RHINO HEAVEN!
A POTTY HIPPO MUST
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HARRY THE HAPPY HIPPO HIPPY,
HE WENT DOWN TO HIS FISH AND CHIPPY!
DON'T GRIN BUT BEAR IT
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PLEASE BE AWARE AND TRY NOT TO STARE,
WHEN YOU SEE OVER THERE, IS A BIPOLAR BEAR!
GIRAFFE, A LAUGH?
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DON'T EVER LAUGH AT A GIRAFFE IN A SCARF,
COULD BE COLDER 'UP THERE,' IT MIGHT CATCH A DRAUGHT!
SNAP DECISION
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THE NILE CROCODILE HADN'T EATEN IN A WHILE,
ALL THAT IT HAD WAS A BIG TOOTHY SMILE.
HIDING IN THE WATER, WAITING TO FEAST,
READY TO POUNCE ON THAT POOR WILDEBEEST!
THE PIES 'SURPRISE'
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THE TRIBAL CHIEF, HE SAW ME CRY,
AND WONDERED WHY, I WOULD NOT TRY,
HIS HOME MADE SNAKE AND PYGMY PIE!
HAVING SOME 'BEE LEAF.'
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YOU MUST PROTECT THE BEES AND TREES, FOR THIS YOU MUST BELIEVE,
OR MANKIND WILL BE ON ITS KNEES, AND THEN WE CANNOT BREATHE!
A NUTTY TAIL
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CYRIL THE SQUIRREL LIVED ON THE WIRRAL,
SHARED HOUSE WITH A GROUSE, NOW THEY'RE BOTH SPOUSE SCOUSE!
UTTER BUTTER NUTTER
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I TRIED TO MAKE A BUTTERFLY, BUT IT WOULDN'T STAY UP IN THE SKY,
I STAMPED MY FEET AND MADE A SCENE,
NEXT TIME I'LL TRY THE MARGARINE!
A GOODNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR
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MY PET ARMADILLO'S A QUITE CHEEKY FELLOW,
HE SLEEPS ON MY BED WITH HIS HEAD ON A PILLOW!
CHICK KING
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I AM POETRY IN MOTION,
CHICKENS ARE POULTRY IN PORTION.
WHILST ON THE SUBJECT OF CHICKENS:
CLUELESS CLUCKS PLAN
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WITH SOME FRIENDS WE WERE DISCUSSING THE SUBJECT OF FOOD. I DO NOT EAT MEAT BUT I AM PARTIAL TO FISH AND CHIPS. MY FRIEND SAID THAT NEITHER OF HIS TWO DAUGHTERS WOULD EAT ANYTHING THAT HAD EYES. I THEN SAID WELL OKAY, "HOW ABOUT A HEADLESS CHICKEN?"
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A LONE SHARK
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I'M ALL ALONE AND SHIPWRECKED,
AND THERE'S NOTHING MUCH TO SEE.
MILES AND MILES OF DEEP BLUE SEA,
AND A SHARK FOR COMPANY!
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HAMSTER DAMN
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THERE ONCE WAS A LITTLE HAMSTER
FROM OLD AMSTERDAM,
WHOSE HEAD GOT WEDGED TIGHT
IN A SMALL POT OF JAM.
I TRIED HARD TO HELP HIM,
WAS PART OF THE PLAN.
IT WAS FOOD FOR MY FRIEND,
MY PET SNAKE CALLED SAM!
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VOCALLY JOKILY, LOCALLY
A PISS TAKE:
In Old Town Eastbourne opposite Waitrose, there is a garage with its shop being a Convenience Store (Convenience is the keyword to remember here). Next to that used to be a 'Bean and Gone' food shop-now closed down (Bean being the keyword although with a different spelling to where I am coming from as you will see!). Then at the side of the road, there is a signpost pointing towards the park behind the shops saying 'toilets!' To make it even funnier the shop on the corner of the road adjacent to the garage has a furniture/removal shop which states: "full or part clearance!" So there we go my sense of humour and the ability to spot it straight away when I first saw it and to my knowledge, nobody else ever did notice it!
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TEA TOTAL:
In Eastbourne, there is Ashford Road which runs behind the newly built Beacon Shopping Centre (I wonder if they do a toasted Beacon sandwich?). Nearby is BREWers, the decorator's, and opposite is LEAF Road which of course is a connection being tea as in tea/brew, tea leaf!
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In Eastbourne, in Cavendish Place, there is an 'adult' shop called Secret Desires.
Just a couple of doors away is an Insurance Brokers called Whippy....the mind boggles!
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ROOT BEAUT:
In Eastbourne along Seaside, just near the corner of Cavendish Place, is a beautician's called The Nail Fairy.
Just imagine if a dentist opened a shop next door, then you could name it The Tooth Fairy!
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PLAYING AROUND/A ROUND:
I was walking to town and was stopped by a lady in a car for directions. She wanted to know the way to Willingdon Golf Course. I duly pointed her in the right direction then noticed that her car was a RANGE Rover (Range as in on the golfing range!) Mind you she was the DRIVER of the car lol!
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BOLT JOLT:
One day I was walking through the then named Arndale Centre in Eastbourne when I passed a mobile phone shop.
Outside the door was a life-size cardboard figure of the sprinter Usain Bolt (the Olympic Games were on TV and it was to advertise). Well, I couldn't resist, I went into the shop and said to the young lad and lady behind the counter, "When you lock up the shop at night do you put the 'Bolt' on the door?" Unbelievable it went right over both their heads and they looked at me rather strange. Some people eh?
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FOOD FOR THOUGHT:
I was on the train from Eastbourne to London and when I got to Plumpton noticed that you can make NOT PLUMP, with that in mind I looked at Eastbourne and found you can make the words TURN OBESE (without using the 'a'). To top that off, Hampden Park you can make HAMPER as in food hamper, obviously not all letters used from these last two but great connections with food!
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SCOOTER HOOTER/SHELTER BELTER:
One day I was walking along Victoria Drive in Eastbourne, on my way to a course in town. This man was in front of me, he decided to try out his little one's scooter after dropping him (or her) off at school. Thought he would be very clever but oops....mind that bus shelter!
I immediately thought up this rhyme as a tribute to him:
I saw a man the other day, holding his kiddies scooter.
He tried to ride it for a laugh, he slipped and banged his hooter!
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BUN PUN FUN:
I once did a six-week work placement at The Savoy Court Hotel in Cavendish Place, Eastbourne:
An anagram of this place: LOVE A HOT CRUSTY EASTER BUN! (minus 2 of the O's)
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On 16 Sep 2019, I started doing a five-week self business start-up course here in Eastbourne and wrote this rhyme after a visit to the toilet there. There were two notices, one outside the door regarding a step, the other inside the toilet regarding flushing. So I wrote this:-
TITLE: WEE HUMOUR or CRAP AND MIND THE GAP.
There's one thing that you must do,
Once you've had a wee or poo.
Even if you're in a rush,
Please do not forget to flush.
Wash your hands, that goes for all,
Mind the step or you will fall!
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LIVING IN EASTBOURNE:
Living in Eastbourne has its ups and downs.
On a good day, you can go up the Downs.
On a bad day, you can't go down the ups!
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In Eastbourne, Cavendish Place there is a Polish grocers/convenience store called: Da Polisz Szop which sounds like The Police Shop! Mind you that part of Eastbourne around Langney Road is known for a high crime rate.
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EASTBOURNE VOICE, HAVE YOUR SAY!
I wrote these two community/disability rhymes for publication in the local Eastbourne Voice, Community newspaper and also in the SCDA Community Messenger newsletter:
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1. Volunteering for the local community is your real chance, it's your best opportunity.
To do something worthwhile you can have a real choice,
The best way to do this is in the Eastbourne Voice!
2. Even with a disability,
You can still have great ability!
NOT IN THE PAPER:
Even if you are autistic, you can still be quite artistic.
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PUBIC HEALTH RISK:
In Lewes, the loo is,
Disgustingly, poo-piss!
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SOUL SEARCHING:
One day as I was walking along Brassey Parade, Eastbourne, I noticed a health & Beauty shop called SOUL TO SOLE. Across the road there is a fish and chip shop-they sell SOLE, Next door to the chippy is a funeral undertakers called Payne & Sons: I guess they deal with another type of SOUL!
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Thoughts of the day
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"Little babies are sweet and innocent and are born with no nastiness, no bad thoughts or feelings.....then some of them grow up to become politicians!"
CONTACT
Get in touch with me for more information about my previous publications and upcoming releases.
Address:
Flat 21 Lanark Court, Hamsey Close, Eastbourne BN20 8UH
Email:
Phone:
07963 882802
